Monday, November 21, 2011

Season By Season, Day By Day, Moment By Moment

I am starting to live for Wednesdays.  It sounds funny, but Wednesdays are my new Friday.  On Wednesdays lunch at work (er... clinical) is catered, (which means I don't have to wake up early enough to rummage for scraps in the fridge) The day after Wednesday is Thursday on which the office is closed.  After said day follows the ever blessed Friday which, of course, is precursor to the WEEKEND!  On which I only have to work a half day every other Saturday.  Are you seeing a theme here? 

I'm tired of getting laughed at (good naturedly, of course) when well meaning friends and acquaintances ask how work is and I tell them that is going fine, but I am looking forward to clinicals being over so I never have to work as an MA again! This statement from me is usually followed by 'Well then, what are you going to do after you finish?' 'I don't know.' Is my steady, straight-faced reply.  (and also where I get laughed at... good naturedly, of course.) 

Yes, I went to school for this.  I still am, actually.  (Don't remind me)  I work with a good group of people and learn a lot every day.  But this is not me.  I cannot picture myself spending any prolonged period of time dragging my self out of bed, dreading spending a day behind four walls, navigating office politics, taking vital signs and poking people with needles.  (Though I do, actually, enjoy the poking people with needles part, as terrible as that may sound.)  But honestly, it is not the most fulfilling type of work.  That statement automatically leads to the question, what exactly do I want to do with myself for the rest of my life?  What do I enjoy doing?  What is my passion? Where is the elusive fulfillment I know is out there somewhere?  When will I be able to stop trying things, hoping I'll like them, and be able to simply live my life?

I ask myself those questions repeatedly and inevitably they are followed by a circular, mental conversation with myself ending with a pity party, closely followed by self-chastisement for being so selfish, because as soon as they enter my mind, I know in my heart I'm asking the wrong things.  The correct question is not "what do I want to do for the rest of my life?'
What does God want me to do for the rest of my life?
Actually, that's not true.
It should be,
What does God want me to do now?

Right now, in this moment, am I living my life where He wants me?  Am I living in His presence? Am I, as John Piper so aptly put it, glorifying God by enjoying Him right where He has put me?  Or as Eric Ludy says, trusting God to let Him write my life story?  Am I completely trusting Him where I am even though I know I've made mistakes and, at times, manipulated my self out of His will?

I feel trapped and backed into a corner.  Blindfolded in a sense.  Will I panic and struggle for my way? Or will the confusion and lack of sight cause me to strain for the sound of His voice?

All He is asking me to do is trust Him for the next step.  Because when it is time for me to move, He will tell me.  It will be unmistakably clear, like the pillar of fire in the wilderness.  In the mean time, it is my job to be content, and listen.

Easier said than done.
For this season, I will trust Him.
For this day, I will trust Him.
For the next step, I will trust Him.
In this moment, I will trust Him.

I don't need to know where I will end up, I just need to know that I am right where he wants me.

In His will is the grace to complete the task He has commissioned. 
In His will, is conformation into His image. 
In His will is ultimate fulfillment. 
All is found in the center of His will.


Mary J said...

Always trust him and he will lead you were you need to go! But I have been where you are, some times it is hard to see were God wants you, just trust him :) Praying for you!!!

Lisa said...

Nice post, Mary and so true!